la fete du canada

In following with my typical actions at big days, I went big, went home, then made it out for a little more. I saw a lot, experienced a lot, overall, a commanding performace, I'd wager.

Before I get into that, however, You Must Choose is highly addictive. There's some interesting results, some real pensive issues, and well, some dumb questions.

Singing the national anthem. Though I've been telling people this over and over to sound big, it still blew me away. I got to walk all over the Hill, take pictures, sit in John Manley's seat (he wasn't there yet), walk up and down the red carpet in a tuxedo, see the flag being raised, and, of course, sing.

Then, after preparing for the day, I set off, wandering around, seeing various Canada Day stuff, lots of people, and drinking too much on an empty stomach. There's a definite lack of pictures from this period. Oops. Ah, the stories, though. I thoroughly disclosed my love of Saskatchewan and the fact that I was from there to those who were around me, and saw the Prime Minister address the crowd. I also (I'm told) sang the national anthem in both official languages in the nation's premier hotel, the Chateau Laurier. Shortly after, I stationed my body on my good friend's couch for a few hours, missing poutine, rain, and other events.

Woke up, still drunk, hungry, and ready to head out again. Back at Parliament Hill, L and I checked out The Guess Who, saw a bit of Leahy, got a nice lungful of the grass of limbo legality. Then, it was off to the fireworks. And what a show. You know, even though you could almost smell the dollar bills burning, it didn't matter. I loved it.

People continued partying late into the night. I got home too late, found out my computer's broken again, didn't get enough sleep, woke up hungover, missed my bus, and got to work late.

Best. Canada Day. Ever.

winning the distance contest

Weddings. What is it about them that makes some so excited, and others sick to their stomach (figuratively and literally)? (I'm of the excited bunch, btw.) Planning drives parents and partners at each others throats (at times) or to the bottle (in others). Family and friends coming in from all over (as the title suggests, I was the furthest. Nothing like telling the bride & groom you love them across a room full of people.) Food, photos, dresses, and, sometimes the most frustrating element, Mother Nature (Bitch). And, in this case, priests cursing on the pulpit (and tying it in to the sermon), soloists who only got the music the night before (moi), and cousins and siblings who are waiting to extract revenge for past acts on the celebrated couples' lovely home.

And the questions. "Found anyone special?" "Are you going to be next?" "You know, there are bridesmaids here...." (yeah, two had boyfriends, and the other, while nice, was EXTREMELY drunk. Like me on Canada Day times three.) Well, they mean well.

And, of course, I'm at the 'marrying age'. Not for myself (though it was close - ha!), but for others. Three this summer, up to five for next summer already, one this fall... What does that mean in the end? $( Heh heh.

Ah well, add another happy couple to the list. For now, anyway. My experience has taught me that eternal vows aren't forever, things change. True love does exist, but it's like holding a fish. And it smells better.

In other news, The Italian Job is the large pile of fetid carp that you've heard it to be. If that is exactly what you are expecting, and your theatre has a rocking sound system, then it's an OK way to pass a couple hours with friends. Plus is has two funny lines and, um, well, the lines are pretty funny.

the experience machine

It can record everything about a certain amount of time. Seen Total Recall? Like that. Not just sound (it's here already), not just sight, but everything. The smells. The ambient noise. The emotions you're experiencing... I want to keep it all, to be 58 with a grandchild, and still be able to hearken back to one nice day where I enjoyed a nice lunch with good friends on a beautiful day. I wanted to freeze each of their smiles, capture each laugh, hold on to the feeling that I'm surrounded by people who know me and care for me (though I'm lucky to have that feeling pretty much 24/7, wherever I am).

<geek>But imagine the bandwidth....</geek>

relative living

I think that it shows a certain amount of skill when I relate everyday experiences to cartoon quotes. Simpsons often plays a large role. Futurama, to a point. Homestar Runner is starting to make appearances. Last night? Family Guy.

Lois: Peter, are you drunk?

Peter: I'm not drunk. I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.

george, you ignorant slut

I can't believe it. He lied. THEY LIED!

Overreacting? Let's look at the same idea, different situation. A grad student bases a majority of her thesis on a source that turns out to be false. Should the student still be allowed to submit the research as fact, saying, "Oh, well, actually, it was based on a broader range of material."? Uh, no! And that's a paper. One person may be set back. No offense, but boo-fuckin'-hoo.

This was a WAR. People DIED. For a good reason? No. For a lie.

middle school

I never had it. Brittney and Skot have good stories about their experiences, though.

We didn't have that here. Went straight from elementary to high school. I actually was in high school in grade eight. I remember feeling all cool because I knew where the classrooms were and how to open a combination lock in grade nine. Even though the grade eights were essentially quarantined in one area of the school. Phys ed was our venture to the outside world during the day.

I never minded phys ed. We got to play dodgeball sometimes, I did OK on the beep tests (I still suck-diddly-uck at running), and I actually liked the dancing classes. I liked dancing in the first place (demonstrated commonly at weddings by my Xtreme Macarenca technique), and was good at it. It was held just before Christmas, so there would be a competition-like class review for the very last class. The one time girls clamoured (well, maybe that's a little strong) to dance with me.

Hey, what can I say, I had the moves.

different or same?

Two philosophies on life. One makes you think. The other makes you think, "Should this guy be in jail?"

how i spent my summer holidays

Not hiding crazy people, let me tell you. I was visiting them!

OK, no pictures now, as they seem to be left at home. However, I can say that in the space of 11 days, I:

• drank on 10 of them
• saw a bunch of family
• sang two solos at the wedding that I wasn't aware I was singing until I started singing them and NO ONE joined in like the organizer said they would. Well, the bride and groom liked it, and I got a free drink out of it. So everyone won. The end.
• saw the sun rise twice
• closed down three bars - two in one night! (OK, that was a Sunday, so it's not that cool, but I was drinking at both...)
• ate like 12 lbs of BC cherries, which, after surviving (barely) on Washington cherries, is like going from lots of sugar to pure heroin for the same price. Utterly delectable. Heavenly.
• played cards for almost 10 hours straight (hence one of the sun rises)
• saw the prairies in all their majestic, flat glory by taking a long drive through them and many pictures of them
• despite previous experience and others' advice, still stayed out the last night until six hours before my flight drinking and chatting with friends. Getting that last squeeze of vacation is always satisfying.
• heard such contextual treasures as:
  • "Convicts - the untapped resource!"
  • "One pint isn't enough." "It is when you're picking up a ten year old." "You're picking up ten year olds?!"
  • An metaphorical conversation using phones (cell vs. land-line) as a metaphor for sex. The winner? The guy whose company paid for his. His what? I'm not sure anymore.
  • "It's either hippy world.....or BEN world!"
  • "Shit doesn't flow towards the hydrological gradient, it flows toward the engineer."
  • And finally, my personal favourite, in discussing the inclusion of Iran as a member of the Axis of Evil: "See, they needed a third. It didn't really matter who it was, but you need that Triad of Evil. Otherwise, all you've got is a line of evil, which really doesn't sound all the bad. Oh, oops, a Line of Evil! Where's my Eraser of Tranquility?"

Ahhh. Now back to our regularly scheduled program of messy roommates, useless landlords, somewhat unfulfilling employment, Spellbound, and photography. Thanks!

P.S. I saw my first REAL use of the Emergency Broadcast System (on satellite). That shit is weird. I mean, you grow up with the test, blah blah, yahoo, whatever. But when you're watching Opera talk to a cancer child, then all of a sudden BEEEYOOOOOOOOO and notes telling you to get in your basement start popping up, things get a little freaky.

kookoo for hyperactivity!

Me: *click*

Mom: Did you just take a picture of that box?

Me: Yeah.

Mom: Why?

Me: Cause I thought it was funny. Think of all the sugar in there! I can feel my teeth rotting just looking at it.

Mom: *shakes head*

The Orangutan-o's reminded me of Penecill-O's from the Simpsons Halloween episode. Gorilla Munch disturbs me.

how come batman never dances anymore?

• A friend recently gave me crack in book form (not the Latin edition, however). I have been inducted into the cult. I stayed up until a quarter of three finishing the second one last night. And paid for it. Mmm, delicious crack.
• From mimi, the worst/scariest 'science' projects I have ever seen in my entire life. Please tell me that this is just a well-done joke, like this was. Please, God. Oh, wait, you won't. Damn. No no, nothing! Nope, I'm fine here.
• The news ticker kept leading me on last night. "Health Minister Sheila Copps KILLS!....a controversial bill...", "North Korea appears ready to resume 3-way!....talks..." (or not). Reminded me of the Channel Six Action News. Damn you, snow!
• While learning to develop photographs last night (not potato clones, though I would like to remind our future potato overlords from the future reading this that I would be useful to them in convincing humans to toil happily in their peat farms), I also learned that my classmates are full of RAWK when it comes to taking great pictures, while I'm that kid who keeps pulling at guitar strings, making noises that sound good now and then. On the plus side, I learned to develop photos and got to inhale fumes.
• You always hear the joke criminal stories, but browsing old Smoking Gun stories, one might happen upon the actual police report of a schoolbus driver who really did tell cops someone stole his pot. Wow.

f-cluster

I never would've compared Rick Moranis with Wolverine. But I can see it. I mean, that hair. Really. And fuck, if he was my dad, I'd be looking for a child rep lawyer in about three microseconds. 'Abuse? ABUSE?! You want abuse? Dad SHRUNK me! Yeah, accident. Fuck you, dad.'

Speaking of Ghostbusters, I'm glad Extreme Ghostbusters only lasted three months. And that was before Xtreme fever hit the marketplace. Does Extreme Cookery get your blood boiling? Do you have the 'devil-may-care attitude to your own digestive system' needed to endure this prospect?

my brother, purveyor of sin

All stories are true. Unfortunately.

We open at the offsale. For those of you who don't know, the offsale is a unique type of business, apparently confined (at least in Canada) to Saskatchewan and Manitoba. I think. Well, Quebec and the Newfies have booze at the corner store, so they kinda got things going on. Anyway, offsale - basically, hotels have little stores that they sell booze at until very late. Like 3 am. So, say, you've had a great time at the bar getting drunk and grabbing girls' asses or getting free drinks because some creep thinks you're cute and you keep taking them because they're free even though you plan on shutting this guy down hardcore. But you want to keep partying after last call. What do you do? Offsale! And they can sell hard liquor now too.

So, anyway, we open at the offsale, where my brother works. Brother (mine) is reading Twenty Years After.

Customer: *puts case on register table*

Brother: *starts ringing purchase in*

C: Are you reading that?

B: Yeah.

C: For school, right? You gotta be reading that for school.

B: Uh, no. I'm just reading?

C: For fun? Are you kidding me?

B: Um, yeah. What, you think you gotta be stupid to work here? What did you think I did?

C: Uh, I dunno. I just thought you were a drunk who liked to be around booze a lot.

He gets some people who really make you wonder, too.

Stupid Asshat Customer: How much?

Brother: $20.50.

SAC: Oh. I've a 20 here. Can I take 50 cents from your tip jar so I don't have to break this 50?

B: Uh, no.

SAC: Fine, then. You just lost your tip.

B: What tip? You were going to take my tips to pay for your booze. How were you going to tip me with that?

SAC: *Finishes paying, walks out in a huff*

He's good at ID'ing the kids, though. I'm proud of him for that, even though he bitched about being underage when he was 18. Course, he'd just get me to buy his booze then. He even got congratulated by a liquor inspector one night who came in at the end who said that he'd been sitting outside all night trying to catch a minor with booze, and hadn't seen a single one.

There's one kid who comes in about once a month with a different ID each time. The kid's probably 16. He seems to figure that since he has a different name on the license, no one will remember him. He's a dumb kid. But ones trying to buy booze on their own at 16 usually are.

fuck you, big media

WHOOOOO!

This is amazing news. Don't you think it says something that a bi-partisan committee thinks it's bad for big media companies to own all of the media? Even though AOL is selling off bits and pieces of itself.

Culled from Wendy G.

And while we're on news, why are US soldiers plundering bronze from Iraq? Why not leave it in Iraq, so they can make their own statue, or better yet, put it to some useful purpose?

Oh wait, I remember. You're the occupying force. You can do what you want. Hey, does this sound familiar? Wasn't that what Saddam did?

And lastly, don't go see Bad Boys II. Though, really, I could've told you that. This guy just does it so much more succinctly:

...Bad Boys II, which runs on for an unfathomable, unforgivable 2 ½ hours, is like being cornered by a drunkard at a party who insists on yelling unfunny jokes in your ear, complete with sound effects.

(from Fark)

alone, but not

The forest is stunning when it is empty.

The trees look on indifferently, having seen hundreds before me. It doesn't matter, this my maiden voyage. Crackling braches announce my simultaneous arrival and departure, rocks sit stoically as I lunge over some, only to richochet off others. The only sound I hear are the wind, my breath, the bike, my heart. It's a symphony of silence around me.

Then a supporting part enters. Thunder rumbles, slowly drawing closer, offering a premonition for the rest of the afternoon. Soon, the rhythmic percussion of a light rain begins, a light snare accompanying the creaking pedals. Glishtening greenery flashes past, grabbing and whipping with limbs of its own as the bike pitches and rolls.

The rain begins to crescendo, falling harder on the leaves far above. Far below, only the occasional drop gets through, making the leaves move in a complex choreography only they can follow. The rain abouve sounds like a thousand pairs of hands applauding, never stopping.

Sometimes nature is the best company you can hold.

roommates

Yeah, but this one isn't about mine. Well, not really. Not in a bad way. They're taken care of. With notes, tape, words, and a new tap that doesn't leak all over the counter. Thank God.

However, they provide me with entertainment now and then. Three of them (yes, three. One had a friend move in with him "while he looks for a new place") are taking ESL. They were doing homework with tapes, blasting them into the kitchen as I was cooking. I mentally answered the questions asked by the tape as they rolled on. It became fun...

Man: I'm going out for a sandwich. Can I get you anything?

Woman: No, I've been eating too much lately. I'll just have a yogurt I brought.

Teacher: What is the woman going to do?

Me: Binge.

Woman: We're going to the cafeteria. Are you coming?

Man: No, I'm waiting for a phone call.

Announcer: What is the man saying?

Me: He's incredibly desperate, and would give up food on the possibility that a girl might call him.

Boy: Peter wasn't at school today.

Girl: Yes, I heard. But what I want to know if he's going to be at my party tonight!

Announcer: What does the girl mean?

Me: She's a dirty, dirty girl who is ready to give herself to Peter tonight in a drunken teenage orgy of barely developed body parts, fumbling hands, and saliva.

Woman: This place is a mess. And the guests are almost here!

Man: Relax, I'll take care of it.

Announcer: What is the man saying?

Me: Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up, ok? No one cares, anyway, it's just Bill and Jen.

Cooking is even more fun when you're giggling.

With friends and acquaintances having roommate troubles as of late, and my own dealings with mine, I got to thinking about the unique relationship of the roommate.

Here's a person you share financial responsibilities, living space, food (sometimes), personal information, and sometimes you even see them in various states of dress. Hell, sometimes you catch them fucking. (Ew). *thinks of roommates* (EWWWW). It's not marriage, but many roommates have more of a relationship than some couples I've known.

So why do so many people make crap shoots when choosing roommates? I'm one of the worst - I've lived in four different places (i.e. not with parents), and only once have I known the people I'm moving in with from a hole in the wall. Plenty of people have formal interviews these days, which is excellent, but still, that's like deciding to move in with someone after the first date.

It would be cool to 'live around' for a while - just move from place to place every few weeks, maybe. You'd get some experience, know how the scene is, not have to talk to old roommates, enjoy uncomfortable silences if you saw them at work. You'd be living liberated! Free to move on to a new place if you didn't like your current one. Most people would eventually settle down, some would continue to fly around, until they find that most of their friends and the people that they meet either don't want another roommate, or are looking for younger people to live with, and the places that are available are a bit older, a bit more run-down....

Well, I guess there isn't a solution. Just like dating. Funny how the two are a lot alike....

Man, I type like I talk sometimes. On and on and on.

Brian: Do you ever listen to yourself when you talk?

Peter: I drift in and out.

conspiracy

WHY have I never seen WE ARE ROBOTS before? Someone's pulling some kinda shit here.

When I catch you...

Your homework will be to eat bleach and die.

I bet you won't do it, either.

>:-(

comedy gold

Personally, the funniest part to me is the appearance that I went back in time and replied to his email before he sent it to me.

From: Bird,Ryan
Sent: July 24, 2003 9:09 AM
To: Styler
Subject: RE: Snarfu argluine zynatriate

http://www.cartoonbank.com/cartoon_closeup.asp?pf_id=44542&dept_id=1001

From: Styler
Sent: Thursday, July 24, 2003 9:19 AM
To: Bird,Ryan
Subject: RE: Snarfu argluine zynatriate

That's kind of funny. I know three whole people with tattoos. All three have divorced parents.

From: Bird,Ryan
Sent: July 24, 2003 9:17 AM
To: Law, Tyler
Subject: RE: Snarfu argluine zynatriate

Now THAT's funny.

Know any less than whole people with tattoos?

From: Styler
Sent: Thursday, July 24, 2003 9:27 AM
To: Bird,Ryan
Subject: RE: Snarfu argluine zynatriate

I think the drummer from Def Leppard has a tattoo or two. Every time I ask him about his parents divorce, he hits me with his good arm. You know...the one that's not missing

I'm glad he doesn't blog, because then I'd have nothing funny here.

recommendations, my ass

How can Amazon recommend this to me? Granted, I have an interest in sewing, but I've only bought a CD of Nina Simone for a friend from them. And since when does a sewing machine go in the kitchen?

Automated recommendation systems can do some crazy stuff these days.

connecting the institutions to the people

From six log, starting at Ariel, the Dallas Morning News has an editorial blog where the editors discuss news from their point of view and the relevance it has to their work as editors. What a fantastic concept. Maybe there's some hope yet. Maybe.

it's not me, it's you

I'm sitting here installing MS Visual Studio and doing crosswords. I thought I was doing particularly poorly, getting maybe a quarter of the puzzle (maybe), then getting caught and falling back on my old trick (looking in the back). Then I started looking at the words that were being used. Elan. Stile. Loran. Arete. Iter. Oast. Asta. Enure.

Now, I'll be the first to admit there's a lot I don't know and that I need to read more, but the only one word I recognized was from the Stile project (definitely NSFW, not even really safe for home, or children, or some adults, and I'd keep your pets away too), and that didn't belong in a crossword at all. Heavens, no.

I'm totally going to kill next time at Scrabble, though.

i'm sorry, where are my manners?

Probably the same place that my mind has been...

A good friend came into town this weekend, convinced me to uh, take Friday off, yes, we'll go with that, and we had a good time. Went to the Mint (of course), saw prior art for IM (used by John A. himself!), cheered for the Riders, and all that good stuff.

Jared: *walks past construction downtown* What're they building here?

Me: Condos.

J: *low whistle* How much are those going to cost?

Me: Oh, lots. Probably your first born.

J: Really? Cause anyone can make a baby. I barely have to do anything, then bam! Nine months later, free condo!

************

Hmmm, what else for this weekend. Oh, yes, how about a book signing by DAVE EGGERS? His reading was fantastic - an unpublished work, a bit of AHWOSG, some chatting about 826 Valencia (which has inspired me to contact Sage Youth, which may or may not result in anything, as I aren't the goodest at riting), and more about McSweeney's. He was intelligent, funny, irreverent, and the best part, as J pointed out, was that he didn't take it seriously, but he didn't like being stupid. If someone asked him an off-topic or silly question, he eventually answered it, but only after a big of derision, which people found funny, but I don't think was necessarily meant to be.

Some funny moments:

• From one of the kid-oriented scripts from 826: Carlos: Mr. President, you must be trippin'!



• From one kid's 826-created book (a homemade review on the back): This is the most awesome book ever! --Tony Hawk



• His current project is "like a suburban As I Lay Dying, without the dying..and the fish...and stuff."



• "I am Alan Parsons! Come work on my project now! We are in the studio, created harmonious melodies!"



• I learned his older brother worked for George W. for a while, and that he has numerous editions to his books (at least 3 for AHWOSG, and four for (tee hee, four for) YSKOV).



• And, lastly, my favourite quote of the night, regarding 826's pirate store: "We used to sell cannon balls, but they kill you on shipping." The joke was well-worn, like those shoes you just don't want to throw out, but the double entendre killed me.


Posted by ambiguo at 12:01 PM | Comments (0)

ugh.

Eating a largish hunk of sundried tomato havarti with my lunch may have seemed like a fantastic idea last night, or even this morning, but with my stomach trying to deal with 38% milk fat, I am beginning to question my own judgement with regards to 'good ideas'.

who knew?

Acme: n. The highest point, as of achievement or development.

Upon reflection, I guess Wile E. Coyote was the fuck-up, not his equipment.

bitch about the news day

Update: Killed. Though the idea was morally reprehensible in the first place.

Update to the update: Accordian Guy is much more succinct in his evaluation.

J just sent me the story of a market to predict what might happen in the Middle East in terms of, you know, ordinary things: economics, military action, terrorist attacks. "Oh, well, three small children were murdered today. Hmm, I'm going to have pull some of the rebel fund. They'll be on another funeral march this weekend, I don't expect much out of them for a while." This is vile, especially since the US government is overseeing it, not only condoning it. One quote hits the nail right on the head:

"Can you imagine if another country set up a betting parlor so that people could go in ... and bet on the assassination of an American political figure or the overthrow of this institution or that institution?" [Democratic Sen. Byron Dorgan] said.

Disgusting. Also is the CNN story on what was in Uday's briefcase. This is news? Fuck me. Hey, here's an idea! Write something like the memory hole's exposé that US schools were created to keep the population domicile. And it continues today:

Clinical psychologist Bruce E. Levine wrote in 2001:

I once consulted with a teacher of an extremely bright eight-year-old boy labeled with oppositional defiant disorder. I suggested that perhaps the boy didn't have a disease, but was just bored. His teacher, a pleasant woman, agreed with me. However, she added, "They told us at the state conference that our job is to get them ready for the work world…that the children have to get used to not being stimulated all the time or they will lose their jobs in the real world."

Man, I want to have kids, but I look around and think, "This is going to take some effort." There won't even be bananas then! How will they make juvenile jokes? Parents will make mystifying banana jokes, Harry Belafonte will be forgotten, banana splits will exist only in our memories, and my god, the monkeys! Think about the monkeys! They'll become mad with banana-lust and take over the world, imprisoning humans until we're merely roaming tribes. I bet that would make a good movie. Maybe a comedy. Ooh, I wonder what Adam Sandler is working on right now?

i have issues

Entertainment issues.

First, the portrayal of gays on TV (inspired by a recent Nerve article). Or, should I say, the recent portrayal. The article takes Bravo to task for using a very stereotypical, non-real portrail of the homosexual man in Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Boy Meets Boy. He says that Queer Eye is mostly product placement. I'm on two different sides of the fence here, one for each pronoucement.

First, the show is playing to an audience. Duh. A mostly homosexual-ambivalent (at best), generally conservative, mostly American audience. Yes, they're allowing gays on TV. Pardon my enthusiasm, but whoo-hoo. All these shows will do is reinforce stereotypes that all young gay men want is sex (which is generally true, at least the ones I know - is a stereotype bad if it's a majority?). And being young and gay and prominent is a lot about what you own. I know guys who would eat less for the next week because they had to buy that pair of hot pants (or hotpants).

However, that said, his point that it is unfair to portray gay males as shaky, while having straight guys seem more 'solid' - no one questions their sexuality. It's also unfair to portray them as concerned only about looks. It makes them one dimensional. At least the 'old' gays (Roseanne's boss, that ER doctor, even Jack from Will and Grace is a semi-successful writer) were portrayed as successful. It's our generation's blacks - you should be able to succeed no matter who you are. Now, we're throwing back the clocks on that. Watch out.

*********************

On a much funnier note, I don't think I've ever seen so many predictions for a bomb of a movie before it even hit theatres as I have for Gigli (I refuse to link to it). Maybe the Onion article wasn't even a joke.

This makes me chortle with glee. Gobble gobble? Come on, now, that's too much. And I like my porn as much as any single man does.